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First Date Blues

Azhar doesn't talk to me nowadays.Even Som hasn't heard from him for quite a while. I wish we could explain to him that first dates are never perfect. They are not supposed to be. First ever date is like the 'Hello World' program in any computer language. It is almost guaranteed to go wrong ! The next few dates are for debugging. And once your 'Hello World' works, you move on to better dates, err... I meant programs. Apna Azhar is not a programmer. He is a die hard romantic and all he ever wants is to see Radhika happy. It took him 8 months to start a decent conversation with her and another 3 months of 'hello - hi - nice weather' before he asked her out for a coffee. Azhar is nothing if not diligent. He worked on his opening lines, the way he would hold the coffee mug, his laughter, his anecdotes, everything. And then he met us to seek some more advice. O-Oh! We gave him our best five -

1. Though shall take the lead - First date sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. Act as if thousands are in the que and you are just evaluating her. Getting the upper hand is critical.

2. Though shall make her insecure - Remember, for females, level of insecurity and their level of respect for the guy are activated from the same part of the brain. If you want her to have any desire for you, then make it competitive for her. Talk about other women.

3. Thou shall not pay the bill - There are two advantages to this. First, you would be assured that she is not in this for the money. Second, you will convince her that you respect her financial independence. Girls love this.

4. Thou shall laugh at all her anecdotes - Even if she is a retard, this will make her feel like Madam Curie. And ya, whenever you laugh, make it loud with an open body posture. Appearing confident is the key.

5. Though shall utter gibberish - Dazzle her with arcane scientific terminology. Even if she doesn't understand anything, she will pride herself at bagging such a sought after genius.

If I had even the slightest clue that Azhar will take our advice so literally and reorient his entire strategy around it, then trust me, I would have sealed my lips. As per Azhar's wish, we also reached Starbucks where he was supposed to meet Radhika, just to give him moral support. After about 10 mins, Radhika walked in. She looked gorgeous. She looked around for Azhar for a few seconds and then sat at the corner table near the window.

Som - Where is Azhar ? He was so excited, I expected him to be here 4 hrs back

Me - I have no clue. His first ever date and he is late. Radhika is extremely impatient type. Not a good start for our hero ! Hey look outside. Isn't that Azhar coming ?

Azhar walked in, waved towards Radhika and then came straight to us !

Azhar - Hey Guys Wasssuuupppp ??

Som - Dude, you are already late for your first date and now you are wasting time with us. Wats going on ?

Azhar - Upper hand friends, getting the upper hand. Huuuhhaahhaahaa She needs to understand that she has to wait not me. Huhhaahhhaaahhaa And he walked up to Radhika. Me and Som looked at each other. Damn !

Radhika - Hi Azhar, Where were you ? I was waiting for the past 20 mins

Azhar - Ya I was busy analysing the implications of Zitterbewegung. The practical manifestation or atleast realization is implicated in the Dirac equations! So I forgot about the time.

Radhika - And you forgot about me ? You forgot you asked me for coffee ?

Azhar - Relax! Now I am here. Tell me hows everything in life. Wait lemme order something for us.

Radhika - (Smiling) Do u know I skipped my biochem lab today to come here (giggle) I told my Prof, I have to meet my cousin (more giggles) cousin !! Can u believe that ...

Before any body knew what happened, Azhar suddenly sprang into attention, opened up his shoulders and burst out

Azhar - Huhhaahhhaahhhaa Huhhaahhhhaaahhaa You said cousin ? Heehhheeehhhee How funny nice nice.

I looked up to Som quizically. Som thrust his head into his palms and muttered - Our advice has ruined the nice guy. He would be lucky to walk out without a punch.

Lucky he was, but barely. After about 30 mins, Radhika stormed out of the cafe. With dashed aspirations and Rs.320 cash reciept in hand, Azhar wasn't sure what went wrong. It was Som who started the enquiry ..

Som - What do you think you were doing ? Wats wrong with you ?

Azhar - What do u mean ? I did everything you guys suggested. I laughed at all her silly jokes...

Me - And you laughed at her best friend Tubi. Tubi might be a funny name but not a joke. And then you laughed at her brother when she said he doesn't listen to her wife. If you delayed your stupid laughter by two minutes then she would have told you that her brother has had an accident and cant hear properly now. Plus we asked for confident laughter not an audition for the role of blood sucking demons.

Som - Yes. You fool. And what was that whole rant about Zitterbewegung and Gedankan. She came here for love not intellectual tongue twisters !

Azhar - Watever ! I atleast pulled off your 'creating insecurity' part so well. Check this out. I set my cellphone to ring every 10 minutes and then I acted as if it was a new girl calling every time - Nishija, Sarita, Neha ...

Som - Terrific ! So you improvised our 'popular guy' to the status of gigolo. So Sir, would you shed some light on what prompted her to finally leave like that ?

Azhar - I dont know man ! She said she was feeling uncomfortable and wanted to leave. So I asked for the bill. Then I told her it is equal split for other stuff except the dark chocolate cake which she needs to pay extra since I didn't taste it. She just stared at me, said something and left!

So 'Moral of the story' for all you guys going for your first date,

1. Enjoy the time spent with your date rather than burdening yourself with strategies and plans.

2. Thou shall never seek advice from friends. Else your borrowed 'Hello World' program may crash your entire system :)

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